You’re not a retard, so don’t write like one

In a recent post I mentioned a message that some retard at Microsoft had built into Microsoft Word. I didn’t intend that post as a specific criticism of Microsoft; many suppliers of PC software and online services seem to have retards writing their messages.

Here are a few examples:

Hmm, that’s not the right password. [Is that “Hmm” supposed to be the sound the software makes while it’s “thinking”?] 

Whoa there! There’s nothing here. Whatever you were looking for doesn’t currently exist at this address. Unless you were looking for this error page, in which case: Congrats! You totally found it.

Congrats on successfully changing your email address! We really like your new one. It’s totally awesome! [Am I supposed to believe that the software is so sophisticated that it possesses aesthetic sense but simultaneously is so callow that it uses the vocabulary of a skateboarder?] Now you can log in to Your Account Page using the new email address you provided to us! Cool, huh? [No, it’s not cool. It’s just a mundane function.]

Well, this is embarrassing.

He’s dead, Jim!

Whoa there!

Oops!

Awk!

Ack!

Analysis of the examples

This kind of diction is not clever; it’s frivolous and puerile. It’s not helpful to your readers; it’s distracting. And it’s not polite to your readers; it’s offensive, because it presumes the reader is an intimate friend and is as ditzy as the writer.

In contrast, here are a few messages that are clear, helpful, polite and dignified:

The information you entered does not match our records. Please check your information and try again.

Your account is loading. This may take a moment.

Please wait while you are logged in...

These messages sound like they were written by intelligent, well-balanced grown-ups. The writers have used no hype, interjections, exclamation points or Star Trek quotations. And they have used no false intimacy or false enthusiasm.

The Takeaway: If you are in charge of writing anything that will be read by customers, don’t write like a frat boy, dude, ingénue, bimbo, scatterbrain or flibbertigibbet. In other words, don’t offend the people who enable your employer to pay you.

See disclaimer.

Microsoft CEO is a heavy user of cliches

Satya Nadella (pictured), CEO of Microsoft Corporation, writes badly. For example, his July 10, 2014, public memo to all employees, which journalists have described as “disquieting,” “plodding” and  “coma-inducing,” is filled with cliches:

Core

Drive

Embrace

Enable

Experience

First and foremost

Focus

Footprint

Fundamental

Global

Impact

Nimble

Off the table

Passion

Planet

Reinvent

Seamlessly

Share

Solution

Stuff

Transform

Truly

Unique

And more. In a single memo, Mr. Nadella seems to have used most of the cliches on the big-business checklist of cliches.

CEOs are paid to provide clear direction. When a CEO writes in cliches, he reveals timidity, evasiveness, or vague thinking. Employees, partners, customers and investors tend to be discouraged by this kind of writing. (For example, look at the faces in the picture above.)

The Takeaway: A few CEOs (for example, John Mackey and T. J. Rodgers) are good writers, but most are not. What you read in the press from most CEOs is bad writing. Bland, boring, effete, evasive writing. Try to avoid becoming infected: (1) If you are not required to read such writing, do not read it; (2) if you are required to read it, pause at every paragraph break and say (silently or aloud) “This is dreck.” Your subconscious will get the message; as a result, you will be less likely to imitate the dreck.

See disclaimer.