Great non-fiction writing (3) – Nicholas Carr

Nicholas Carr (pictured) is the author of The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains. The topic is fascinating: how the Internet is reprogramming our brains. But the topic is also difficult, involving a lot of neuroscience. Mr. Carr’s first chapter helps the reader get ready for the challenge. Here’s an excerpt:

“Over the last few years I’ve had an uncomfortable sense that someone, or something, has been tinkering with my brain, remapping the neural circuitry, reprogramming the memory. My mind isn’t going – so far as I can tell – but it’s changing. I’m not thinking the way I used to think. I feel it most strongly when I’m reading. I used to find it easy to immerse myself in a book or a lengthy article. My mind would get caught up in the twists of the narrative or the turns of the argument, and I’d spend hours strolling through long stretches of prose. That’s rarely the case anymore. Now my concentration starts to drift after a page or two. I get fidgety, lose the thread, begin looking for something else to do. I feel like I’m always dragging my wayward brain back to the text. The deep reading that used to come naturally has become a struggle.

“I think I know what’s going on. For well over a decade now, I’ve been spending a lot of time online, searching and surfing and sometimes adding to the great databases of the Internet.... what the Net seems to be doing is chipping away at my capacity for concentration and contemplation.”

This is very easy to read. It scores a whopping 71.6 on the Flesch Reading Ease test, which means it’s much easier than this blog (usually in the 50s) and even easier than Reader’s Digest (usually in the 60s).

It’s also inviting. The typical book about science begins in the third person and stays there. Mr. Carr chose to begin his book in the first person, describing how he first noticed that the Internet was changing his brain.* This approach draws you into his world. You believe what he says. Maybe you’ve often felt as he has. Now you’re hooked; you want to learn more.

The Takeaway: To improve the clarity of your writing, spend at least 10 minutes a day reading aloud from writers who write clearly. You will see, hear and feel the stark contrast between careful, grown-up diction and the careless, infantile diction (sample here) that besets us every day. If you would like a list of recommended writers and works, please email me at joeroy(at)joeroy(dot)com. Ask for my “List of Writers to Absorb.” I will respond via email.

*Keep in mind that starting a book in first person is not automatically effective. It worked well for Mr. Carr because he is a skillful writer and a thoughtful person, unlike the millions of bungling narcissists who write about themselves even when it bores, irritates or confuses their readers.

This is the 500th post on this blog. Thank you for your attention, today and over the years.

See disclaimer.

Publicist made Catherine Zeta-Jones sound sicker

Two weeks ago, a publicist for the actress Catherine Zeta-Jones told ABC News:

“Catherine has proactively checked into a [mental] health care facility. Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her [mental] health in an optimum manner.” (Source)

Analysis

When the government forces you to enter mental health treatment, it is an “involuntary commitment.” When you enter mental health treatment without being sick enough to be involuntarily committed, you are entering “voluntarily.”

Not “proactively.”

Apparently the publicist was trying to reassure his client’s fans that she was not sick enough to be committed. While the publicist was preparing his statement, he thought of a wonderful word, proactively, to help make his point.

However, the word proactively is a vastly overused cliche. A fad word or mania word. Worse, it undermines the publicist’s point because it suggests that his client entered treatment only because she feared she was in danger of being committed.

The publicist further undermines his point by actually using the word committed. Most readers of celebrity news are, to put it kindly, not strong readers. They may remember only two things: “Catherine Zeta-Jones” and “committed.”

A better version of the statement

The publicist should have written and said something like this:

“Catherine has voluntarily checked into a health care facility, as part of a program of periodic care that she selected and began several years ago.”

The Takeaway: If you ever notice that you are feeling giddy* because you have suddenly thought of an especially wonderful word to make a point, STOP. Immediately Google the word with cliche. Example: “proactively cliche.” You will probably find that (as above) the word is a vastly overused cliche. Also look up the word in a dictionary; it is possible that (as above) the word does not help make your point. It may even (as above) undermine your point.

*In a future post, I will discuss where the giddiness comes from and why it is almost always a sign that you are about to do something embarrassing.

See disclaimer.

Thanks to Paul G. Henning for spotting the news item.

Placement of modifiers (22)

Careless placement of modifiers is a frequent cause of unclear or embarrassing writing. Here’s an example of the careless placement of a modifier.

Squaw Peak (pictured) in Phoenix, Arizona, is now officially called “Piestewa Peak.” The Wikipedia entry for the mountain includes this passage:

“Since at least 1910, the name Squaw Peak had been used in reference to the mountain. Other historic names included Squaw Tit Mountain, Phoenix Mountain and Vainom Do’ag, the Pima name for the mountain. As the term “squaw” is considered derogatory by some, numerous efforts to change the name of the mountain were made through the years. State Representative Jack Jackson, himself a Navajo, submitted a bill to change the name annually beginning in 1992, which generated repeated and often raw debates in Arizona.” (A footnote omitted.)

When the reader encounters the adverb “annually,” he may at first assume it modifies the closest verb, “change,” as in “change the name annually.” He may assume that there were several political factions, each vehemently pushing its own replacement name, and that Mr. Jackson wished to appease them all by rotating the names annually.*

However, when the reader encounters “beginning in 1992, which generated repeated and often raw debates in Arizona,” he is fairly certain that “annually” actually modifies “submitted,” even though “change” stands between “submitted” and “annually.” A clearer version would have been:

State Representative Jack Jackson, himself a Navajo, has since 1992 annually submitted a bill to change the name. The bill has generated repeated and often raw debates in Arizona.

It’s not perfectly elegant, but it’s clear.

The Takeaway: Place every modifier as close as possible to what it modifies. Don’t make your readers work harder to read a sentence than you worked to write it.

See disclaimer.

*Don’t laugh – Arizona legislators have done stranger things. For example, they made it illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub. (Source)

“Those Irritating Verbs-as-Nouns” – Henry Hitchings

The author Henry Hitchings recently published a thoughtful article, “Those Irritating Verbs-as-Nouns,” about nominalizations: verbs or adjectives converted into nouns. As the article’s title suggests, he discusses the drawbacks of using nominalizations. He says, for example, that “Writing packed with nominalizations is commonly regarded as slovenly, obfuscatory, pretentious or merely ugly.”*

But Mr. Hitchings also discusses the advantages of nominalizations; for example, sometimes they can help you “be more tactful or cautious,” or “sound jauntier and more pragmatic.”

He also gives interesting examples of nominalizations (including reveal) that may sound fresh but in fact are centuries old.

The Takeaway: I urge you to read the entire article. Mr. Hitchings has a keen mind for the finer points of diction. This is the kind of article we professional writers should be reading.

See disclaimer.

*Mr. Clarity was duly chagrined to see “take-away” listed as one of the offending nominalizations; chagrined all the worse because “The Takeaway” is a heading used in every post in this blog.

Grammatical shysterism (3) – McDonald’s

Most writers who make mistakes in grammar do it unintentionally. But some writers do it intentionally, in order to trick people. I call this behavior grammatical shysterism: abusing grammar as a shyster lawyer would abuse it.*

An example of grammatical shysterism

If you stop at the drive-through window at McDonald’s and ask for a Honey Mustard Snack Wrap, the cashier will ask, “grilled or crispy?” Every time, every cashier will ask it the same way: “grilled or crispy?”

And in writing, McDonald’s carefully uses the exact same language: “grilled or crispy.” Such diligent consistency in marketing is one characteristic of large, successful marketers.

However, there is an odd inconsistency within the phrase itself. It is grammatically non-parallel.** Grilled is a past participle referring to a specific method of cooking food. Crispy is an adjective describing food after it has been prepared by an unspecified method of cooking.

In short, McDonald’s uses the word crispy as a way to avoid saying the word fried. But why? 

Don’t speak of the devil

McDonald’s probably knows, from its extensive market research and concept testing, that many customers who believe fried food is unhealthy will buy it if the seller doesn’t actively remind them that the food has been fried. So McDonald’s, by consistently refusing to write or utter the word fried, is cheerfully helping these customers pretend that the chicken has not been fried.

Think I’m making this up? Look at the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap (Crispy) page on the web site. You will see the more-general words cooked and prepared. But not the more-specific word fried. Not even once.

This is egregious, malignant shysterism, reminiscent of U.S. President Bill Clinton’s infamous discussion of what the meaning of is is.

I could be wrong

Of course, I could be wrong in my assumptions. It is possible that the product is not fried. And is possible that all the creative directors, copywriters, editors, proofreaders, supervisors, marketing directors and marketing vice presidents at McDonald’s, the immensely successful global marketer, are just careless writers. Possible but improbable.

The Takeaway: It’s understandable and forgivable to make inadvertent mistakes in grammar; we all do it. But we should always avoid grammatical shysterism. If you’re an honest person, never talk or write like a shyster; people may assume that you are a shyster.

See disclaimer.

*Thanks to Janice L. Brown, a colleague and a clear writer, for coining the term grammatical shysterism.

**A famous example of non-parallelism is the question, “Do you like it better in the city or in the summer?”