Staples store gets religion

A few years ago, I published a post about refusing to accept unclear language. I mentioned that I often make a point of refusing.

For example, in retail stores, such as the local Staples, I correct indolent clerks who are not speaking clear, grown-up English.

Well, it appears that I may not have been the only Staples customer to do that. Recently I was in the store and was delightfully surprised to notice that things had improved; every clerk within earshot was speaking clear, grown-up English.

I heard clerks asking customers “Can I help you, sir?” instead of “All set?”

I heard a clerk using the correct, grown-up, second-person-plural personal pronoun, “you,” instead of the childish, white-trash “you guys.”

I even heard a clerk conclude a transaction with “Thank you” instead of “Hah wuh goo wuh” (Have a good one).

How wonderful! It appeared that Staples (or at least that one store) had gotten religion.*

Admittedly, I am quick to complain. But I’m equally quick to praise. I went online and posted a highly positive customer comment, praising by name the two clerks who had waited on me – both of them clear-speaking, dignified, polite and helpful.

The Takeaway: Intelligent people always judge you by your diction. Always. For every irascible geezer like me who complains out loud, a thousand other intelligent people maintain a polite or cowardly silence. But they do judge you. If you could read their minds you would die of embarrassment. So use clear, grown-up English. You can do it; you know you can. Don’t worry about small errors in grammar; people will overlook those if they see that you are trying. Let your intelligence shine through.

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*“get religion: Fig. to become serious (about something), usually after a powerful experience.” (Source)

See disclaimer.

People judge you by your diction

As you have noticed, many people in the professions talk and write like children. By doing so, they detract from their professional credibility, even when they apparently are trying to bolster it. Here’s a good example:

In an interview with Elle magazine, a professor of psychology argues that professional psychologists are better at giving advice than are the authors of self-help books. But she fails in her delivery, by using awkward, juvenile diction:

Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, who studies happiness at the University of California, Riverside, says, “We [psychologists] just sort of ignore that whole [self-help] section of the bookstore... We set it as so different from what we do, like, ‘Well, we do science, and those people are just spouting off their ideas.’ ” (Highlighting added.)

I do not know Professor Lyubomirsky. I haven’t read her books or papers. I’ve never heard her give a speech. For all I know, she may be the most brilliant and knowledgeable professor of psychology in the world. But that quotation makes her sound like a teenager.

The Takeaway: If you want to be respected as a professional, always talk and write like a professional. People judge you by your diction – even people who insist they would never do such a thing.

See disclaimer.

Credit-card companies, women, men, and language -- an editorial

Have you ever noticed this? When you call credit-card companies to report problems, the companies assign women to handle some kinds of problems and men to handle other kinds. (Is that employment discrimination?) And the women and men speak differently. For example:

On many occasions over the last two decades, I have telephoned one or another credit-card company to dispute a charge for a faulty product or to report that I had been charged twice for a purchase. In other words, my money was at stake. In all these cases,

1. A woman answered my call and handled the problem.
2. The woman was a Valley-girl imitator, using adolescent speech affectations such as uptalk, baby voice, and vocal fry.

On other occasions, I have called to report that a stranger had used my account number to purchase something (fraud). In other words, the credit-card company’s money was at stake. In all these cases,

1. A woman answered my call but immediately forwarded it to a man.
2. The man sounded mature and serious. He used no speech affectations.

The Takeaway: When it is merely your money that is at stake, the credit-card company assigns a woman who talks like a child. But when it is the company’s money that is at stake, the company assigns a man who talks like a grown-up. That is what I have observed (of course, that does not constitute a scientific survey). I leave the interpretation to you; what, if anything, do you think my observations suggest about credit-card companies’ attitudes toward women, men, and language? Please comment.

See disclaimer.

Unintentional hedging (5) – “kind of” and “pretty much”

Unintentional hedging – the unconscious use of kind of, pretty much and other hedges – is a bad habit that is all too easy to fall into. First, you start unwittingly imitating other people’s use of hedging. Second, over time, you hedge more and more frequently. Third, eventually you start hedging in highly inappropriate situations – often damaging your credibility.

Here are three examples of highly inappropriate situations:

Example 1

On a quarterly earnings conference call with analysts and investors, the president of Corus Television says, “So we are kind of launching each new season...” and “We have a third season already kind of in production...” (Boldface added) (Source)

Analysis: The president sounds like he is not sure whether his company is launching something and not sure whether the “third season” of something is in production yet. A president should be sure of these matters, especially during an earnings call.*

Example 2

In a Discovery Channel program about medieval instruments of torture, the male co-host says (00:58) the strappado was “kind of diabolical.” His enunciation is babyish; for example, he pronounces “going to” as “geh.” The female co-host informs us (01:24) that someone hanging from the strappado with his shoulder joints about to be ripped apart would be feeling “pretty much incredible pain.” Boldface added)

Analysis: These two putative adults sound like little children playing with toy models. They trivialize the agony of thousands of innocent people.

Example 3

Simona Suh (pictured), an attorney for the U. S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), suggests that Meaghan Cheung, an SEC branch chief, decided not to investigate Bernie Madoff, the biggest crook in Wall Street history, because the whistleblower was “kind of condescending.” (Boldface added) (Source: No One Would Listen, page 156)

Analysis: Ms. Suh, blithely speculating about her boss’s emotions, sounds like a little girl pretending to be a lawyer. She wittingly or unwittingly suggests that Ms. Cheung actually passed up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity merely for the childish reason that she vaguely disliked the man who was trying to hand her the opportunity.

The Takeaway: If you flippantly use the hedges kind of and sort of while you are discussing a grim, serious or weighty topic, you will sound like you are ignorantly trivializing the topic. You will sound like a child. Take preventive action: Record some of your speeches or conference calls (don’t break any laws). Listen to the audio or have it transcribed. If your hedges seem unconscious, begin trying to consciously catch yourself hedging. If you can catch yourself, you can break the habit.

Thanks to investor relations expert Paul G. Henning for contributing to this post.

Previous posts on this topic: (1), (2), (3), (4).

*For readers unfamiliar with investor relations: Quarterly earnings conference calls are not casual conversations. Normally, executive teams prepare by reviewing the transcript of the last quarterly call, then scripting their opening remarks for the coming call, and then rehearsing the remarks. They also write and rehearse the answers to all likely questions and even some merely possible questions. Preparation takes a week or longer. On the call, analysts and investors ask probing questions and expect straightforward answers. Management expertise is one of the top reasons professional investors buy the stock; ambiguous, evasive or hedged answers can reduce their confidence in management and their view of the stock.

A waiter who speaks English (2)

In a post one year ago I described the lovely experience of being served a meal by a waiter who: (1) spoke English instead affecting a combination of Valspeak, Likish and Ebonics; and (2) used good diction. He spoke English and used good diction because he grew up in Bosnia.

Last week my wife and I enjoyed another meal served in English, at a restaurant on Lake Winnipesaukee (pictured) in New Hampshire.

Our waiter was an affable young man from Brazil. Unlike many American waitresses, he had no facial piercings or visible tattoos. He spoke better English, with better enunciation, than many American valedictorians.

Instead of addressing us with the trashy, non-standard “you guys,” he called us “you.” Unlike most young Americans, he had learned the second-person plural personal pronoun in standard English.

Instead of using the Valspeak expression “Y’githe ahh thet?” (“You guys all set?”), he asked in standard English, “May I take your order?”

Later he asked, “How is everything?” (in other words, “How well did our chef prepare your food?”) instead of the insulting and absurd “How are you doing?” (in other words, “How skillfully are you eating?”)

When we appeared to have finished eating, he did not ask, “All set?” or “Are you still working on this?” or “Still pickin’?” He politely asked, “May I take this?”

When I had paid the check in cash, he asked, “Do you—” and stopped himself. Apparently he had realized that he had almost asked, “Do you need change?” just like an insolent American waitress hustling tips.

He was embarrassed. For two or three seconds, he had a strangled look on his face. I waited quietly. Finally, in a determined voice, he correctly said, “I’ll bring the change.”

Nice recovery. It was clear that he had been trained to be a waiter and a gentleman.

The Takeaway: The next time ugly diction and manners detract from your enjoyment, leave a copy of this guide on the table. And hand a copy, or email a copy, to the restaurant manager (two managers told me they had immediately incorporated the guide into their training programs). I have put the guide into the public domain; make and distribute copies as you see fit.

See disclaimer.

In speech and in writing, be yourself

People who hear what you say or read what you write can’t help judging you by your diction and grammar. That’s because people usually assume that you have deliberately chosen your diction and grammar. So, if you unconsciously or unintentionally imitate a sociolect, your listeners or readers will assume that you are a member of the group that speaks that sociolect.

For example, poseurs speak and write gobbledygook. They do it in an effort to appear knowledgeable. But intelligent listeners and readers perceive that the gobbledygook is gobbledygook and therefore that the poseurs are poseurs.

Unfortunately, gobbledygook has become fashionable, and a lot of knowledgeable people are imitating the poseurs. Intelligent listeners and readers assume that these people are poseurs, too. So, if you are knowledgeable, don’t imitate poseurs.

Here are three more warnings:

If you are intelligent, don’t imitate bimbos.

If you are honest, don’t imitate shysters.

If you are straightforward, don’t imitate politicians.

The Takeaway: If you wish to be taken seriously, don’t imitate the sociolects of poseurs, bimbos, shysters or politicians. Be yourself. Talk like yourself. Write like yourself. You know you have the courage to do it. Do it.

See disclaimer.

Insist on clarity! – an editorial

Author Dan Pallotta (pictured) believes we should insist on clarity. He has written a powerful blog post about our misguided toleration of others’ deliberately unclear diction. Read the post here.

The Takeaway: I agree with Mr. Pallotta. I often insist on clarity and I recommend that you do likewise. If you’re not yet accustomed to being assertive, start out with easy encounters. For example: While you are shopping, a clerk approaches you and asks, “All set?” You respond, “To do what?” Nine times out of ten, the clerk will quickly correct his question to “Can I help you find something?” You have gently but successfully shamed an indolent clerk into using the clear, polite, grown-up diction that his job requires. His quick correction proves that (1) he knows darn well that his job requires grown-up diction; (2) he knows how to use such diction; and (3) he avoids using it only out of indolence. If enough of us keep reminding these slackers to speak adult English, they may decide to make it a habit.

See disclaimer.

A waiter who speaks English

In northern New England, where I live, it is rare to encounter a waiter who speaks English. Most waiters can speak English but prefer to affect a combination of Valspeak, Likish and Ebonics.

For example: In English, waiters traditionally ask, “Are you ready to order?” or, “May I take your order?” But most waiters today ask, “You guys all set?”* It is sometimes pronounced “Y’githe ahh thet?” with deliberate slurs and a self-inflicted lisp.

It is unsettling, especially while you are eating, to hear someone degrade himself in this way. So, my wife and I watch for new restaurants, hoping the waiters will speak English.

Recently we lunched at XO on Elm (pictured), a new restaurant in Manchester, New Hampshire. What a delight; we had a waiter who speaks English and speaks it well.

Our waiter, Jusuf, asked, “May I take your order?” instead of, “Y’githe ahh thet?”

Later he asked, “How is everything?” (in other words, “How well did our chef prepare your food?”) instead of, “How are you doing?” (in other words, “How skillfully are you eating?”)

Later he asked, “May I take this?” instead of, “Are you still working on this?” or, “Still pickin’?”

And, unlike most Americans, Jusuf knows that the plural of the personal pronoun you is you, not you guys.

The reason he speaks American English better than most Americans is that he grew up in Bosnia.

The Takeaway: The next time ugly diction and manners detract from your enjoyment, leave a copy of this guide on the table. And hand a copy, or email a copy, to the restaurant manager (two managers told me they had immediately incorporated the guide into their training programs). I have put the guide into the public domain; make and distribute copies as you see fit.


See disclaimer.

*Note that they can’t even be bothered to include a verb.

Enunciation (satire)

Here’s a humorous brief video about enunciation.

The Takeaway: Laugh. Enjoy life.

See disclaimer.