Staples store gets religion

A few years ago, I published a post about refusing to accept unclear language. I mentioned that I often make a point of refusing.

For example, in retail stores, such as the local Staples, I correct indolent clerks who are not speaking clear, grown-up English.

Well, it appears that I may not have been the only Staples customer to do that. Recently I was in the store and was delightfully surprised to notice that things had improved; every clerk within earshot was speaking clear, grown-up English.

I heard clerks asking customers “Can I help you, sir?” instead of “All set?”

I heard a clerk using the correct, grown-up, second-person-plural personal pronoun, “you,” instead of the childish, white-trash “you guys.”

I even heard a clerk conclude a transaction with “Thank you” instead of “Hah wuh goo wuh” (Have a good one).

How wonderful! It appeared that Staples (or at least that one store) had gotten religion.*

Admittedly, I am quick to complain. But I’m equally quick to praise. I went online and posted a highly positive customer comment, praising by name the two clerks who had waited on me – both of them clear-speaking, dignified, polite and helpful.

The Takeaway: Intelligent people always judge you by your diction. Always. For every irascible geezer like me who complains out loud, a thousand other intelligent people maintain a polite or cowardly silence. But they do judge you. If you could read their minds you would die of embarrassment. So use clear, grown-up English. You can do it; you know you can. Don’t worry about small errors in grammar; people will overlook those if they see that you are trying. Let your intelligence shine through.

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*“get religion: Fig. to become serious (about something), usually after a powerful experience.” (Source)

See disclaimer.

The maniacal use of “issues” (6)

A view of Diversity Plaza, Jackson Heights, Queens, New York

In several posts (for example here), I’ve called attention to the widespread misuse of the word issues. Many people seem determined to misuse the word all day long.

For example, there are four appearances in a brief article, “Diversity Plaza [in Jackson Heights, Queens, New York] Gets Dedicated Police Officers to Address Complaints.” Here they are (emphasis mine):

The reporter uses issues in a paraphrase:

Two police officers have begun patrolling Diversity Plaza in response to complaints about vagrants, loud music and other safety issues, according to the precinct's commander....

The reporter quotes someone using issue:

“It's a serious quality of life issue right now.”

The reporter uses issues in a paraphrase:

“It’s a place to sit and enjoy, eat food,” he said, although he did agree with some of the issues brought up at the meeting.

The reporter uses issue in a paraphrase:

The police can help, but the cleanliness issue requires everyone to step up, he said.

Analysis

When people misuse the vague word issues, they are usually being deceptive or just lazy. For example:

Deceptive: The reporter (paraphrasing the police commander) uses “safety issues” as a generic phrase for a class of behavior that includes being vagrant and playing loud music. However, being vagrant and playing loud music are forms of interference with the public’s convenience and enjoyment, not threats to the public’s safety. Of course, it is possible that the “other safety issues” included real threats to safety; but if so, why weren’t those threats mentioned? It may be that the reporter heard about nuisances and wished to exaggerate them to threats, in order to spice up her story . Or the police commander exaggerated them, in order to justify dedicating two officers to fighting nuisances instead of fighting crime.

Just Lazy: A person using the vague phrase “quality of life issue” is just too darn lazy to articulate what he really means (for a long list of similar examples, look here).

The Takeaway: The word issues, like drive and actually, has graduated from fad word to mania word. Before you reach for the handy, vague word issues, ask yourself, “What is a clear way to make my point?” Don’t make your readers guess what you mean; if you do it frequently, your readers may become suspicious of your intentions.

See disclaimer.

Don’t worry about big, conspicuous errors

Do you worry that someday you’ll make a big, conspicuous error and embarrass yourself publicly?

Stop worrying about that.

If you write a lot, you almost certainly will make such an error someday, but you shouldn’t feel too embarrassed when it happens. You see, if you have made a habit of clear writing, your loyal readers will chuckle at, and immediately forgive you for, the occasional big error.*

If you must worry about something, worry about leaving a residue of small errors in every paragraph, bogging down your reader. Most readers do not forgive that.

A recent article, “Arne Duncan vs. Oklahoma,” illustrates what I mean. Here are the first four paragraphs of the article (minus the links), with my comments:

“In yet another stunning example of his lack of knowledge about life outside the elitist Washington bubble, [United States Secretary of Education] Arne Duncan came out swinging at Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin during a press conference yesterday (6/9) for signing the bill (HB3399) to end the Common Core State Standards initiative in Oklahoma.”

The phrase “came out swinging” is ambiguous: What exactly did Mr. Duncan say or do?

“Apparently, pure politics caused the governor (current Chair of the National Governor’s Association, who along with the Council of Chief School Officers propelled a set of education standards into national lexicon) to abandon Common Core for her state.  Apparently the thousands of parents who wrote letters, sent emails and called Governor Fallin’s office urging her to sign HB3399 during the interim between passage (5/23) and signing (6/5), have been downgraded to political widgets in a game of chicken between a state and the federal government.”

The reader has to read quite a lot of this paragraph before he recognizes that the author is being ironic.

“It’s interesting how quickly the anti-Common Core forces, once vilified as ‘conspiracy theorists’, ‘fearmongers’ and ‘liars’ have become vindicated since – and by Duncan’s own hand no less.  Duncan’s latest temper tantrum can’t help but make it readily apparent to even the passing skeptic that there must be something to the legions of arguments connecting Common Core and federal overreach into public education.”

The reader wonders how these “anti-Common Core forces” are related to “the thousands of parents who wrote letters…”

“Truly, no one (including the Fordham Institute or Bill Gates) has been able to effectively mount an argument supporting the stake the U.S. Department of Education has in Oklahoma’s education standards. Really, what does Arne Duncan care what standards Oklahoma uses to educate its children? What difference can it mean to Duncan?”

It is difficult for the reader to infer a connection between the first sentence and the second and third sentences. My guess is that the author is trying to say, “The U.S. Department of Education has no stake in Oklahoma’s education standards, so Mr. Duncan should mind his own business and stop threatening Governor Fallin.”

The rest of the article is similarly confusing. In almost every paragraph, something impedes the reader: an awkward sentence, an overloaded sentence, an ambiguous verb, a confusing transition, a misplaced modifier.

The Takeaway: Put your energy into making every paragraph readable and clear. Your reader will notice and appreciate it. If you leave a residue of small errors in paragraph after paragraph, your reader will tire of slogging through it. He may even vow never to read another piece with your name on it.

See disclaimer.

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*I relate this personal example in all modesty: Decades ago I was a PR man for Honeywell. One day, while I was visiting with the editor of a trade magazine, I noticed a Honeywell press release posted on a bulletin board. Looking more closely, I recognized it as a release in which I had made a grammar error – in the headline! I groaned. The editor smiled, shook his head, and said, “We see errors like this every day. This one was worth posting because it was from you.”

Forcing adjectives to act as nouns

I’m sure you’ve noticed this trend: Millions of speakers are forcing adjectives to do the work of nouns, simply because the speakers are too lazy to utter the nouns.

For example, a receptionist says to a doctor, “Your nine-thirty is here” instead of “Your nine-thirty appointment is here.” Because the receptionist is too indolent to utter the three-syllable noun appointment*, he makes the adjective nine-thirty do the work of a noun as well as the work of an adjective.

And I will bet that you find this indolent habit annoying. Judging by what I have noticed, I can say that many people agree with you. When I am in a waiting room and the receptionist refers to an appointment without using the noun appointment, I glance around for reactions. I have noticed eye-rolls and angry looks. And even angry words: “Oh, so I’m just a time of day, am I?”**

You may have noticed other examples of this trend. Here are three that I’ve heard recently:

“Don’t let people put their crazy on you.”

Their crazy what? Thoughts? Feelings? Plans? Rituals? Fetishes? Body paint? Tattoos? Ideologies? Political opinions? Cosmological theories? Memories of being reared by Amelia Earhart and Elvis?

“I live the day-to-day with them.”

The day-to-day what? Struggles? Joys? Fears? Aches and pains? Drunken stupors? Superficial disappointments? Achievements? Housework? Homework? Wanderings in the Gobi Desert?

“He works in a vertical.”

I think this speaker meant either a vertical market or a vertically integrated company; they are two different things. Unfortunately for his listeners, he did not specify which thing he meant.

The Takeaway: When speaking, don’t be indolent or lazy. Remember that we speak in order to inform. When we use generalities because we are too lazy to think of specifics, we risk confusing and irritating our listeners.

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*And many indolent speakers, when they do utter the noun appointment, pronounce it as “appoin” (only two syllables). For more examples of this disgusting trend, see “Slurring.”

**People are angry because they sense that referring to an appointment without saying “appointment” is part of the dehumanizing language of medicine. I’ll discuss more examples of this language in a future post.

See disclaimer.

Weasel words online

When you buy a ticket online from American Airlines (AA), the AA computer responds with this:

Note: This is not your receipt. You will be receiving your itinerary confirmation along with your receipt soon. You may print your Itinerary & Receipt directly from AA.com once the status is updated from “Ticket Pending” to “Ticketed”.

Except for “AA.com,” these are all familiar English words. But as AA has combined them, the words conceal more information than they reveal. They have become weasel words. Here are the words again, interspersed with the unspoken reactions of an intelligent customer:

Note: This is not your receipt.

Not my receipt? Then what is it, and why are you showing it to me? Where’s my receipt?

You will be receiving

On this page? In an email? In the U.S. Mail?

your itinerary confirmation along with your receipt soon.

“Soon.” Does that mean seconds, minutes, hours or days?

 You may print your Itinerary & Receipt directly from AA.com

Print them from the email you will send me, from this page which is open right now, or – as “directly from AA.com” suggests – by abandoning this page and going to the AA home page? You’re confusing me.

once the status is updated from “Ticket Pending” to “Ticketed”.

And how will I know when or whether that action has been completed? Will I see some notice on this page, in the email you may or may not send me, or on some page I have to go to after I go back to the home page? How long will it take? I just spent more than a week’s pay for an airplane ticket and you won’t even tell me how or where or when I will receive a receipt? Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?

The Takeaway: If you are responsible for the words that your company uses in its online commerce, always keep in mind that you may be insulting thousands of customers every hour. That’s worse than erecting an insulting billboard beside a busy highway. Before you put your words online, have them edited by a careful reader.

See disclaimer.

Insist on clarity! – an editorial

Author Dan Pallotta (pictured) believes we should insist on clarity. He has written a powerful blog post about our misguided toleration of others’ deliberately unclear diction. Read the post here.

The Takeaway: I agree with Mr. Pallotta. I often insist on clarity and I recommend that you do likewise. If you’re not yet accustomed to being assertive, start out with easy encounters. For example: While you are shopping, a clerk approaches you and asks, “All set?” You respond, “To do what?” Nine times out of ten, the clerk will quickly correct his question to “Can I help you find something?” You have gently but successfully shamed an indolent clerk into using the clear, polite, grown-up diction that his job requires. His quick correction proves that (1) he knows darn well that his job requires grown-up diction; (2) he knows how to use such diction; and (3) he avoids using it only out of indolence. If enough of us keep reminding these slackers to speak adult English, they may decide to make it a habit.

See disclaimer.