Bits and pieces (4)

Today we present examples of various errors that can make you sound ill-educated.

Logic error

“His father was a building contractor and his mother came from France.” (Source)

Shifting grammatical person

“I’ll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It’s not worse than dishonor; it’s not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility. (Boldface added.) (Source)

General ignorance

In a harassment case, Tufts University “may have made free speech history by being the first institution in the United States to find someone guilty of harassment for stating verifiable facts directed at no one in particular.” In other words, a once-venerated university publicly demonstrated that its administrative staff did not know that harass is a transitive verb, but apparently was not embarrassed by this ignorance. (Source)

The Takeaway: Whenever you are writing something for publication – even if it’s “just” a blog – present yourself as a well-educated grown-up. Have an experienced editor read your copy; that’s what well-educated grown-ups do.

See disclaimer.

Avoiding shifts that impede your readers

In four previous posts, we have discussed the common mistake of unnecessarily changing from one grammatical person to another. For example, an executive of a publishing house said:

“It was not a book where a whole house [third person] runs out and pushes like crazy, and you [second person] have to have success right away, because you [second person] spent all this money.” (See post.)

This unnecessary change, or shift, confuses and impedes the reader.

There are also other kinds of shifts. Towson University, as part of its Online Writing Support, includes a very helpful page on seven kinds of shifts: shifts in tense, voice, mood, person, number, discourse and sentence construction. The page includes illustrative examples of each.

Nice work, Towson.

The Takeaway: When you have a chance, read the whole page. From time to time, review it.

See disclaimer.

Safety warnings (5)

In four previous posts (1, 2, 3, 4) we've discussed the clarity of various safety warnings. Today we discuss a brief safety warning about fire and upholstered furniture. The warning is not very clear but it could have been made clear if the writer had spent only a few minutes more.

WARNING: FLAMMABLE

• Keep upholstery away from flames or lit cigarettes.

• Upholstery may burn rapidly, with toxic gas & thick smoke.

• Keep children away from matches and lighters.

• Fires from candles, lighters, matches, or other smoking materials are still possible.

• Be careful when smoking.

• Smoke detectors properly installed and maintained save lives.

The manufacturer certifies this furniture is made in accordance with UFAC methods designed to reduce the likelihood of upholstery fires from cigarettes.

Analysis

The main problem with this warning is poor composition; specifically, poor parallelism. In the bulleted listing, the first, third and fifth sentences are in the second person and the second, fourth and sixth sentences are in the third person. In other words, the grammatical person changes from sentence to sentence. These changes confuse readers, because readers consciously or unconsciously expect good parallelism in a listing.

Another problem is that the important word “still” in the fourth bullet is unclear. This problem was caused by the poor parallelism.

A suggested revision

We change the sixth sentence in the listing from third person to second person. Then we remove the second and fourth sentences from the listing and combine them with the sentence that follows the listing (it is also in third person). We form these three sentences into a background paragraph and place it before the listing. In other words, first we give the reader the background and then we tell him what to do. Thus:

WARNING: FLAMMABLE

The manufacturer certifies this furniture is made in accordance with UFAC methods designed to reduce the likelihood of upholstery fires from cigarettes. However, fires from candles, lighters, matches, or other smoking materials are still possible. And any upholstery may burn rapidly and produce toxic gas and thick smoke.

• Keep flames and lit cigarettes away from upholstery.

• Be careful when smoking.

• Keep matches and lighters away from children.

• Be sure that your smoke detectors are in working order.

The Takeaway: If you are ever responsible for writing or editing a safety warning, give it your most careful attention.

See disclaimer.